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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two men drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week?"
"Oh Bugger!" says his friend, "... I just joined Rotary!"
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5840

PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
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Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.
My husband & I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .
> One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of
> his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
> The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and
> sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no
> place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
> 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
> When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
> forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and
> grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
> and tumbled to the floor.
> After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.
> Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
> The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that
> carrying on in this pub.'
> The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand,
> I'm Pastor Flapps.'
> The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as
> well finish.'=
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finding a woman sobbing that she'd locked her keys in her car, a passing Australian soldier assures her he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Like magic, it opens!

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy" replied the soldier.

"These are me khakis!"
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5840

PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going

to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its

demise due to global warming.


At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.


The coin will now be called “two fuckin’ bucks"!
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 12:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two old guys from a senior centre were sipping lemonade on the verandah.
One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

" £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

" £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not shopping at Coles any more. Presented my cabbage at the checkout today, only to be told that I couldn't buy a cabbage unless I also bought carrots and mayonnaise. After strong protests, I was told it was Cole's law.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks - on arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield.

'Oooooh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?' he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.

'Oh, good Lordie do!' the gay exclaims, 'I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?'

So it was done. On returning home, his lover says, 'Well come on Darling, drop your trousers and give me a look.'

So he quickly drops his pants and bares his arse.

His huswife gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over Petal! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's
head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10448
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,



"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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