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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10396
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two men drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week?"
"Oh Bugger!" says his friend, "... I just joined Rotary!"
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5809

PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10396
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.
My husband & I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10396
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .
> One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of
> his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
> The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and
> sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no
> place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
> 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
> When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
> forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and
> grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
> and tumbled to the floor.
> After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.
> Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
> The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that
> carrying on in this pub.'
> The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand,
> I'm Pastor Flapps.'
> The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as
> well finish.'=
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10396
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finding a woman sobbing that she'd locked her keys in her car, a passing Australian soldier assures her he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Like magic, it opens!

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy" replied the soldier.

"These are me khakis!"
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5809

PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going

to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its

demise due to global warming.


At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.


The coin will now be called “two fuckin’ bucks"!
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