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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly he was Santa Claus.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On my way to the supermarket, I passed by our local retirement village.

There on the front lawn there were six old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way.

On my way back, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies still laying naked on the lawn.

My curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes”, she said, "Aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Operation

A Seachange Village woman has lost her case at local magistrates court today, after she tried to sue "District Hospital" after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Highfield Apartments, aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "me and my husband Fred have had a wonderful sex life together until he went in hospital and had his operation, now he's not interested in me and it's all down to them"!

The Surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was remove Fred's Cataracts to improve his eye sight"!
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5875

PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the
10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position,
at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the river!!
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After Daylight Saving Time ended
I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
“You idiot!
You're supposed to turn your clock back!”.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 11:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene : What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene : Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.


'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"

The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.


She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"

"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."


Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men - are always MEN!
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10618
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2018 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother Howard, is he here?"


"No, he went with mum and dad."


The farmer stood there for a couple of minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow any, or I can send dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad,about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."


The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the boar,

but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
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