Jokes:

[lonewolf]

Tiger Woods was going overseas for a tournament and asked his wife if she could mind his wedding ring while he was gone. she starts crying and says, "but you have to wear it. its your wedding ring".

tiger got angry and replied, "but if i wear it then i wont get laid"

[locky]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'




'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[STEWIE]

[STEWIE]

----- New Model Car
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[STEWIE]

Life Without Farms



A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids

what kind of sound a pig makes.



Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:






"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"




I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .

[locky]

A Blonde's Year in Review...

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[STEWIE]

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[STEWIE]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

[STEWIE]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?















A crazy bitch who will find you.

[locky]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage



At St. Peters Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar.



At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.



Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go pick her up'.
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[locky]

Son asked his mother the following question:


'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:


'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[locky]

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had him circumcised mate".
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[locky]

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat..
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my
fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"





The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home
from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[locky]

A young blonde woman in Sydney called Suzanne was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor named Jim saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge crying.


He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with Jim, one of your sailors, who's stowed me away"
She explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."


''He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Manly Ferry. "
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[locky]

Girls Getaway

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girl’s getaway trip - Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.

He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over...On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it