Jokes:

[locky]

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'


Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'


Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[TUNZA COCK]

GOING CHEAP.
Deceased estate
1 bedroom apartment with toilet and sink, shared shower.
Limited views, all meals provided, complete with gym, but bicycle has no seat...
Call R. Williams
_________________
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I`m a schizophrenic and so am I

[TUNZA COCK]

Roberta Williams visited Carl the day before he died.
She noticed how fat he was getting and said "Jeez Carl, an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya!"
_________________
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I`m a schizophrenic and so am I

[STEWIE]

Confucius Say...





If you can't find book
you want
You plobabry shopping
at the..

[locky]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies, "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f*****g boat
_________________
Ability is what you're capable of
Attitude determines how well you do it

[TUNZA COCK]

These new 3D tv's are bloody brilliant. I fell asleep watching a documentary on Animal Planet about the life of a Central supporter and woke up to find my beer and thongs were missing.
_________________
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I`m a schizophrenic and so am I

[STEWIE]

.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment...'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

[STEWIE]

Hey guys it’s me Kevin07. Remember that $900 I lent you last year? Yeah I lost my job and I’m gonna need that back…..

[Roosterforever]

Question: What do Australia and McDonalds have in common?

Answer: They are both run by red-headed clowns.

[STEWIE]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a

rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know

which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the

counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.





She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about

this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop

it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know

about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a

Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination,

and it's actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That's amazing

that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the

counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[STEWIE]

A sales rep is traveling down a remote country road when his car breaks down he gets out lifts the bonnet and has a poke around as he is doing this he hears a whispering voice it's the carburetor he looks about to see where the voice is coming from but there is no one around ,he goes back under the bonnet and hears the voice again ..it's the carburetor he looks up and to his amazement there is this white horse in a paddock whispering to him.
So he lifts the air cleaner cover to find the carby choked with stuff he cleans it out puts back the cover and to his amazement the horse was right and the car starts.
In a state of panic and amazement he drives to the next town and pulls up at the Pub enters the bar and tells the barman of his experience with the talking horse.After listening intently the barman says you're really lucky mate usually there is a black horse in that paddock and he knows f#ck all about cars.

[STEWIE]

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:


A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[Wessie]

What a fantastic humour !






http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertainment/youll-never-guess-whos-leaving-the-country/story-e6fredpu-1225914523454