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STEWIE



Joined: 25 Oct 2003
Posts: 2034
Location: NORTH!

PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:04 pm    Post subject: Jokes: Reply with quote

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female,please."

"Would you like black,or white?"

"White please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man so he asked, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant , " the Muslim one blows itself up.'


Last edited by STEWIE on Mon Aug 15, 2005 7:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Wessie



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 7273
Location: Super Box

PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL

and frighten too!
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5845

PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zac came home from school with that one the other day, scary thing is I think he actually understands it.
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Dianne
Dad and Ian McKay


Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 2274
Location: Modbury

PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q:What do you call a woman on the arm of a Pork Poofta?

A: TATTOO
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2007? 2008? 2009.............
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STEWIE



Joined: 25 Oct 2003
Posts: 2034
Location: NORTH!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blonde Yr In Review:

January:Took her scarfe back to the store because it was too tight.

February:Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March :Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April:Was trapped on a escalator for hours when the power went out.

May: Couldn't make Cordial because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.

June:Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: After loosing a breast satroke swimming competition , complained to the judges the other swimmers were using their arms.

August: Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top waws down.

September: When asked what the capital of California was : answered: "C."

October: Hates M& M's because they are so hard to peel.

November:Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1hr pr pound and she weighed 120 .

December: Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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STEWIE



Joined: 25 Oct 2003
Posts: 2034
Location: NORTH!

PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great.Lovely day. Had a ball.Been in and out of puddles all day.What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh that's niece," said the bartender. He turned to second duck," Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So you must be Louie?"

"No," she said batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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Strawb07



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

London transport prices have gone up. On the tube now it will cost you an arm and a leg. while on the buses the prices have gone thru the roof
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rod_rooster



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 4499

PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Strawb07 wrote:
London transport prices have gone up. On the tube now it will cost you an arm and a leg. while on the buses the prices have gone thru the roof


Oh dear Confused
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5845

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young blonde was on holiday and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle on prices” attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and
give it a try!” The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ..

“SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!”
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5845

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

“Noah”, He roared, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?”.

“No," said the Lord, “The government beat me to it.”
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5845

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AFFAIRS TO REMEMBER

*First Affair*

There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age
daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of the child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave
her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

*The Second Affair*

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they
were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schultz, he made an amazing discovery:
Schultz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his
briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed. "Schultz is dead!"

*The Third Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in thecorner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. " Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us, too".
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned
a while later with
a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days,
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

* The Fourth Affair*

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for
a beer.
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak with chips,
peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

*The Fifth Affair*

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly,
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping ecky. "Everything's all
right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend
and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
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STEWIE



Joined: 25 Oct 2003
Posts: 2034
Location: NORTH!

PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:30 pm    Post subject: Hi Ho Silver Reply with quote

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, so you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honour of the harvest festival,you will be executed in three days but,
before I kill you,I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.'

'What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Sillver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters The Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow." "What is your
last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, I"d like to speak to my horse....alone.' The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,"Listen very carefully, you dickhead.....for the last time...........BRING POSSEE!!!!!!!!!
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holly
Grog Squad Hall of Famer


Joined: 16 Oct 2003
Posts: 2212

PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 6:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two muslims are getting fitted for backpacks in the outdoor camping shop, one turns to the other & says ''does my bomb look big in this''
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bailey



Joined: 29 Apr 2004
Posts: 112
Location: settlers tav

PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

2 muffins are being baked in an oven. One muffin says to the other "man its hot in here". The other one screams "AAAHHHHHH! A talking muffin!!!"
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Chooktracker



Joined: 30 Dec 2003
Posts: 3304
Location: South Goolwa following the Strathalbyn Roosters now

PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little girl walks into a barbers shop eating a cake, stands close to her Uncle who is cutting hair.

Uncle says " hey, you're going to get hair on your muffin"

Little Girl says, " yeh I know,........I'm going to get tits too!!!!"





CT
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1971 - 1972 - 1973 - 1985 - 1986 - 1987 - 1989 -1991 - 2007 - 2013...........seen them all for only 4 premierships.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.......
Wistow.....wear the fox hat
Chooktracker........NAFC Cheer Squad 1966-67
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