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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Low Battery : A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).



Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.


Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England .


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts . There's no point in you coming in for that."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2017 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave goes to a couple’s Christmas drinks. Everyone is dressed in the usual Santa suits, elves and reindeer costumes, except Dave who is wearing a pair of ladies knickers on his head. The hostess says, “Dave, it’s supposed to be a Christmas theme, why have you got women’s underwear on you head?” Dave replies, “they’re Carol’s”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.



The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.



The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.



Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... smack his arse again!"
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rusi and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rusi didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rusi hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Rusi lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Rusi, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Rusi! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Rusi, what in the world happened to you?'
Rusi replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well' Rusi said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.



As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.




The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.



The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5867

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the sun, the moon, the truth."

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness -
but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy -
but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble -
they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems -
but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because -
it's illegal to shoot them.


BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Barrister arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed

and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,

pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the

stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told

that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of

execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go

upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5867

PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”


The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye”
The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile”


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”


Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”


The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”


He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”


“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client,
"Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.

I think she could be right.”Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"……….

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said,

"That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."



The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister,

"My monkey has grown hair."



Her sister smiled and said,



"That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10548
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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