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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Low Battery : A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).



Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.


Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England .


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts . There's no point in you coming in for that."
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2017 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave goes to a couple’s Christmas drinks. Everyone is dressed in the usual Santa suits, elves and reindeer costumes, except Dave who is wearing a pair of ladies knickers on his head. The hostess says, “Dave, it’s supposed to be a Christmas theme, why have you got women’s underwear on you head?” Dave replies, “they’re Carol’s”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.



The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.



The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.



Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... smack his arse again!"
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rusi and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rusi didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rusi hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Rusi lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Rusi, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Rusi! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Rusi, what in the world happened to you?'
Rusi replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well' Rusi said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.



As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.




The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.



The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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Ian



Joined: 15 Oct 2003
Posts: 5845

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”
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locky



Joined: 04 Apr 2004
Posts: 10460
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the sun, the moon, the truth."

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness -
but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy -
but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble -
they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems -
but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because -
it's illegal to shoot them.


BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband
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